Thursday, 7 June 2012

Acknowledging Problems

Sorry for the small absence. My boyfriend’s parents are away so I thought I’d go play house and help him do his weekly shop and then veg on the couch watching Dumb and Dumber (can you believe that neither of us had ever seen it?) and eating terribly. I also found out that I had got a high 2:1 for the Feminism essay that I was worried about as well as the 2:1 for my dissertation, so he bought me a ‘2:1 cake’ and we got a few beers in, even though there is one module left to be graded that will determine my degree.

I’ve had a really fun couple of days, but today I checked my bank balance, and yet again I’m overdrawn. This is nothing new, but this time, I have no student loan to look forward to and I’m not sure when my student account ceases being a student account and starts charging me interest.

I’m still yet to hear any news on that job or any placements and no one got back to me after my scary email offering to blog for the Get into Teaching page. Looking at my -£1.59 balance upset me and I couldn’t quite get out of it. I felt like all of the progress I thought I had made with proactivity, ambition and positive thinking had gotten me nowhere. This annoyed my boyfriend as he just thought I was bored and got annoyed, even asking if I wanted to go home early because I wasn’t enjoying myself. He said I’ve often seemed a bit off lately.

I was hurt by this. I didn’t realise how much I was still struggling, but I have nothing to gain by covering it up so I told him that my current situation does get me down. I admitted that sometimes, the thought of coming home and spending a full day doing nothing and the prospect of many more days like that fills me with dread. I told him that I get upset and haven’t brought myself to ‘sign on’ yet because I’m too proud and have worked too hard. I feel like I can do better than my current situation, but am stuck in it despite my best efforts. I also told him that I had no idea what to write about tonight because I just don’t feel positive, like I have nothing to contribute.

It rattled me a bit also because a few months ago I ran a Word Press blog called ‘Tea with Rachel.’ It was on a whim, disorganised and didn’t have a point and I didn’t have time to do it. I checked my emails the other day to find someone’s comment saying ‘most boring blog ever.’ Yes, it was boring, and I mentally thanked the person who left it for reminding me that it needed deleting, else it would reflect badly on this blog. But then I started worrying about my declining views on this page and the lack of feedback for my creative writing and convinced myself that the one thing I thought I was good at was also a waste of time.

Maybe I’m just having a few off days, but its okay to realise you’re not okay. It was perceptive of Marc to realise because I’ve been putting in the effort to get by and be okay and independent. He was glad I told him, because he’d been feeling like I was just bored in his company or upset with him and he didn’t want me to feel like I should keep how I’m feeling from him. He told me that I can’t dwell on things else I’m just going to depress myself. He’s right, I know he’s right and I know it will do me no good to dwell. I know this blog is meant to be a positive thing of moving forward even if it is scary, but today I still did something scary. I admitted that I struggle, and that sometimes, I just feel completely lost.

But he also reminded me I’m not alone, which reminded me of this blog’s audience, if it has one. He went through it last year and thousands, if not millions of graduates are in the same boat as me career and emotions wise, and with the current state of the economy and unemployment, untold millions of people of all walks of life are suffering financially, emotionally and in every other way possible. We’re not on our own, so we need to talk about it. Ignoring our problems won’t make them go away.

So as a temporary solution, I’m moving enough money to last me four weeks from my savings to my current account to get me out of the red. If I don’t have a job in three, I seek help. And I have all kinds of fun things planned. I’ve had an awesome time with Marc, I see my friends tomorrow so probably won’t be blogging, get to experience my first driving lesson since test fail number three, go riding, go running and next week run the Race for Life.

If there’s one thing the last month has taught me, it’s that more things will come my way, things will get better, and in the meantime, I just have to be open about my problems and enjoy the company of those I love, and just keep doing the things I love. I have faith that things will work out eventually, but life can’t always be mapped out and it doesn’t pay much attention to plans. I just have to enjoy the scenic route, and even if I end up somewhere different, it’s probably a better place anyway.

Sorry for ending on such a horrific cliché! But it was a reassuring thought all the same. Here's a picture of my 2:1 essay celebrations and lets just focus on the positive. 

I say beer, but the cider's mine. I need to man up. 

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