Monday, 13 August 2012

Four Year Plan

I'm getting terrible at keeping up with this, but it's mainly because I don't want to post a boring blog, and lately, I've just been feeling slightly bored.

I keep having second thoughts about teaching, but I've also been working a lot recently, but I really don't want to be stuck in a pub for years to come. Ideally, I would write, but I don't have the money for the work experience or to move away.

Last night, me and one of my friends sat drinking martini and watching the closing ceremony of the Olympics, and we realised that by the next Olympics, we will be coming up 26. That thought scared me and we began wondering what we hope to achieve by the next Olympics and my list was pretty simple:

-Have a job with good prospects
-Write more to improve and improve chances of 'dream' job.
-Have my own place, even if just rented.
-Been somewhere outside of Europe.

Quite a simple list, but I feel like all of those aspirations are a million miles away, especially when my life is mainly taken up by working in a pub and then catching up with my boyfriend and friends and family, the family who rarely see me anymore. However, me and the friend I was watching the Olympics with have come up with a writing venture, just a hobby under pseudonyms at the moment as we wish to stay anonymous for now, but it's something I've wanted to do for a while and am really enthusiastic about. You never know, it might lead somewhere. If it doesn't, I have teaching and it's always nice to have a dream and a back up plan I suppose, even if the back up plan is the one you have to act upon.

So, even though this blog gets neglected and a little bit boring at times, I'll keep forcing myself to do it as it forces me to think about the future and what I want from it, and all writing practice is good practice.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Enjoying right now

Apologies for sloppy writing, spelling, grammar and cliches, I just got home from work and am exhausted, but have been desperate to make just a little bit of time to write.

As I have explained before, waitressing and being a bar maid were never high up on my list of ambitions. Just like taking telephone orders for Domino’s Pizza, working in a pound shop and quitting a coffee place after four weeks were never on my life’s to do list. I did have a brief stint in a clothes store that I loved, but it was only temporary. I think my biggest problem with most of my jobs is that I only ever viewed them as temporary, I was always quite snobbish about it, knowing I was a student and going on to bigger and better things and therefore, finding things to hate about the job. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the pound shop was genuinely horrible. There is no dignity to be found stacking cans of Winalot on a Sunday morning, or having people who happen to be idiots assume that you too are an idiot.

So, all of my previous jobs have been, for the most part, terrible, but while mooching about replenishing cutlery and condiments on tables I began to wonder, how much of that was because I was being a snob? How much of it was because I convinced myself I was too good for the job and could do better? Was I always scared to enjoy or take any satisfaction from my jobs in case it somehow defined me or became my life?

I know I could do better than my current job, but like many degree students, it’s all I have. It’s that or jobseekers and will hopefully, be for a maximum of 18 months, but who knows what’s around the corner? This generation will probably have more degree qualified bar staff and waiters and checkout operators than any other, and we have to take all we can get. We have to fight for everything we can, and there is nothing undignified or lowly about it. We’re trying our best to get there, but having to take the scenic route.

So why not take in the scenery? I said about being scared that my job would define me, but every job, paid and voluntary, has given me experience that I can’t easily forget. Its skills such as communication, organisation and compromise, as well as how to deal with people that I can use in future in both professional and personal contexts. I’ve learnt how to juggle work with studies and relationships and most of all, I’ve learnt the value of hard work and that we’re all only human. No one is too good or too intelligent for certain types of work or bad circumstances, in the same way that no one is unworthy of success. I know I need to work for my rewards, and that I need to enjoy what I have, when I have it. If I’m always waiting for something better, I’ll always be miserable where I am now.

So tonight, I stopped being scared that this is the best it’s going to get and worrying about the future, and started to appreciate that my job is actually the best I’ve ever had, and I’m lucky to have it. It’s not too busy, not too quiet, I like the people I work with and occasionally have a laugh. It makes me happy when I get tips or get a compliment for my service and occasionally the unexpected happens. For example, tonight I briefly got shouted to go out the back, and it was simply to watch about twenty Chinese lanterns drift through the sky. And because the guy who initially shouted me was baffled and wondered if it was aliens. The other week I got birthday cake and sometimes, I get to go home early. It’s all about the little things really.

We all have ambitions, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t be satisfied. I mean being a waitress isn’t forever, but it doesn’t mean I have to moan about it and begrudge my circumstances. We only live once, so we might as well enjoy the journey, even if we do take the long way round and find ways to take joy from everything we do, and lessons and memories from every experience. 

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Today's flab-e-loss experiment and catching up

Neglected my blog again, but I’ve been working and in between working, trying to make sure I don’t neglect my friends, family or boyfriend.

My new love!
I’ve actually not had a bad week, apart from the massive and quite tiring shifts at work, I’ve spent time with Marc and on Sunday, had a few drinks with two of my best friends, then after yesterday’s placement, we went shopping. Luckily, I received two random job seekers payments from when I left uni and didn’t have a job, so I bought a pair of boots as a ‘well done for getting off the dole’ present.

So there has been little chance for anything that scares me, unless you count being in charge of a group of 11 year olds and not knowing my way to the buildings I was meant to be showing them! I kept quite calm, I know I didn’t exactly seem sure of myself, but at least I know where everything is if I have to do it again. My group were definitely the worst behaved, but I think that was just bad luck.

I did something else different today. Egged on by my sister, I bought a set of four sessions on a Flab-e-loss machine at the local tanning shop. For anyone baffled and wondering what a Flab-e-loss is, it’s a poor man’s power plate, you use it for ten minutes and it violently vibrates your fat in the most unattractive way possible. The sensation in my legs at one point can only be described as like being electrocuted, without the horrible twitchy heart racing sensation (owning a horse, I’ve accidentally touched my fair share of electric fences.) To be honest, I’m dubious it even works. I was nervous about giving it a go, but I have nothing to lose. My uncertainly comes from the fact that I’m not really sure ten minutes of your thighs bouncing together involuntarily can help tone them up, the woman on before me who claims to have been using them regularly for months certainly didn’t seem to be reaping many benefits (she was far from toned) yet swore she had lost inches from her waist. I very much doubt I’ll keep it up, I probably toned up more from the run to the shop and back than the ten minutes I spent realising I have a lot more body fat than I previously thought as even my back began to wobble.

So that was today’s fun experiment. Again, I’m sorry for the lengthy absence, but I’ve spoken before about how sometimes you have to prioritise, and this week I have prioritised work as, well it’s my work and I need money and spending time socialising, because generally, if I can’t fit something in, it tends to be my friends, which isn’t really fair on them. I’m taking a little bit of time for myself right now by writing this and intend to post it then sit with my kindle.

And also a huge well done to Team GB for getting team silver in the Equestrian! I was so anxious watching it in the best possible way! Great result from a great team. 

Go GB!

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Late night post explaining the last one

I am hopeless with technology and unless it is Facebook, Twitter, my iPhone or a word processor, to be honest, its trial and error. My friend recently set up a beauty blog and it is going really well really quickly, so I allowed her to take control for a while and sign me up to a blog hopper thing, detailed below, so hopefully, I can start to reach a winder audience.

I'm also attempting to work on one of my creative writing chapters and failing because it's 12.31am and I'm very tired! However I'm trying to remember that life does not stop at 11pm and that I can probably churn out some half decent writing. This entry being the exception.

To be honest, I just felt that I needed to update after the BBlogger post, because it seems so out of character with the rest of the blog, particularly because it was my friend who wrote the comments and picked a couple of the blogs I'm now following. If that is you, don't worry, I have since read through what she has written and while it is not in my style, it is sincere and I love reading other people's blogs, so keep up the good work guys! Apologies to anyone who noticed the temporary hijack of the positive fear!

Oh and new followers and viewers, follow on Twitter: @ThePositiveFear

Bbloggers Unite

Wednesday 25th July 2012

Quick post encouraged by a fellow blogger friend who has signed me up for this:

Hoping to get a few followers and hopefully more people reading and enjoying!

There are a few simple rules to follow, but it's really easy to understand. Normal blogging will resume with the next post, probably coming at the weekend.

Learning to take my own advice

So a busy couple of days and lots more stuff going on, but focusing on the positive, The Dark Knight Rises has to be the best film I’ve seen all year. I went to see it with Marc when it came out last Friday and we were so speechless that we walked from the cinema and drove from the car park without uttering much more than ‘what did you think?’ We took a moment to gather our thoughts then geeked out all the way home.

Due to an unfortunate series of events, I ended up having to bail on plans with Marc at last minute the other day, a lot was going on and I was already upset, but I managed to convince myself that he was annoyed and not talking to me and several texts and unreturned phone calls later, convinced myself we were in trouble. After talking to one of my friends, I realised just how common this is. Why do we over react like this? While I know he would have to be a total arse to throw four years of a happy relationship away because of one night of cancelled plans and that if he was upset, he would calm down, my inner psychopath was working herself into a frenzy, alternating between being angry at him for being such an arse (even though technically now I think about it, he hadn’t done anything) and feeling abandoned and upset and desperately trying to engage him in conversation by sending messages to both his phone and iPad.

I asked him about it yesterday, to which he looked confused and said ‘there wasn’t anything wrong. You needed to stay home and I’d just finished a twelve hour shift, was in a horrible mood and didn’t want to see or speak to anyone really and felt like that all weekend. It wasn’t you and I was asleep for a lot of your texts.’

So I had worked myself up over nothing again. While this does prove my theory that men also have a time of month where they hate life and want to eat everything and sulk, it also makes me feel like a total drip. What ever happened to women being strong and independent? If it was one of my friends behaving how I was I would have told them to ‘man up and get on with your life, it doesn’t stop for him.’ But when it comes down to it, I care just a little bit too much, and am partial to a bit of self-blame, whether the conflict is with Marc, my family or my friends. So I need to change this. I need to start viewing the situation as though I were an outsider and take my own advice, even if it is uncharacteristic and therefore scary. I need to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. In this case, I should have told myself to ‘calm down, it might not be anything you’ve done, and if it is, he’ll calm down eventually.’

Currently, I’m trying to put myself forward for a year 7 orienteering day at the uni on Monday. It’s a paid position, which is always a bonus as yet again, I am overdrawn and car tax is looming, but I have no idea what I’m meant to be to be doing. I’ve not once worked one of these events and felt like a bit of an idiot emailing to ask what is expected of me. In fact, I almost pulled out because I didn’t want to look inexperienced and stupid next to the workers that have done it all the time. But I realised I’ve looked worse. I’ve just spent 6 weeks running a workshop and before that, did a starter activity with a class whose full time teacher was watching every minute of it. I’ve done scarier things, all experience is good experience and it’s only one day. Plus it helps towards my car tax, so I’d be stupid to turn it down.

As for the rest of the day, I shall be making the most of my day off by reading and maybe seeing one of my friends for a bit, which hopefully won’t cost me money, because we all know I have very little will power where food or fun is concerned. 

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Thinking about the future

So the other day we were observed at placement. Predictably, it was one of the more difficult sessions we have done, but I also think it made us try harder and we got positive feedback and two new potential references as a result.

I often have second thoughts about what direction I’m going to go in with my career, but I think my main issue is that I’m scared to commit to something in case it makes me unhappy, however, it’s never too late to change your mind and this is something I need to remember.

All experience is good experience. The bad experiences make you stronger and the good ones open doors and let you see where your strengths lie. Your job does not define you, sure, it makes up a big part of your life, but it does not define who you are, nor does it determine who you will be or what you will do in future.
One quite personal example of this is my Dad. He has worked for the same company for 16 years and now due to a series of events and a long time thinking about it, he feels it’s time to move on. He wants to pursue his passion and ambition of running a charter fishing business full time, he’s done it at weekends with great success, but now he gets the chance to really make a go of it. I know the economy is terrible and he’s 52, which some may consider a bit old for a change of job, but I think it’s never too late to do what makes you happy, and he has plenty of qualifications to fall back on and had faith that he won’t end up out of work for long, if at all.

It’s so easy to think that whatever you do after school or university will define you forever and ever, but it’s never forever and ever, it’s only the beginning of a life time of decisions and admittedly, not all of them will be right or ideal, but it’s the experience that counts, and even a bad experience is more life affirming and character building than no experience at all. Let your hobbies and interests and the friends you make and people you love define you, don’t worry so much about the job! We all need money and we all need to work and may not always enjoy it, but you can never lose sight of what’s important, which is your happiness. If you’re stuck in a job that makes you unhappy, view your situation as temporary, you won’t always work there, you can still be anything you want to be and it’s never too late.

So what am I going to do? Well, I have a year to decide and nothing to stop me taking any opportunity that comes my way. I’m only 21 and have a life time of stupid, badly thought out decisions ahead of me, and to be honest, I can’t wait to see what’s next.