Today's flab-e-loss experiment and catching up

Neglected my blog again, but I’ve been working and in between working, trying to make sure I don’t neglect my friends, family or boyfriend.

My new love!

I’ve actually not had a bad week, apart from the massive and quite tiring shifts at work, I’ve spent time with Marc and on Sunday, had a few drinks with two of my best friends, then after yesterday’s placement, we went shopping. Luckily, I received two random job seekers payments from when I left uni and didn’t have a job, so I bought a pair of boots as a ‘well done for getting off the dole’ present.

So there has been little chance for anything that scares me, unless you count being in charge of a group of 11 year olds and not knowing my way to the buildings I was meant to be showing them! I kept quite calm, I know I didn’t exactly seem sure of myself, but at least I know where everything is if I have to do it again. My group were definitely the worst behaved, but I think that was just bad luck.

I did something else different today. Egged on by my sister, I bought a set of four sessions on a Flab-e-loss machine at the local tanning shop. For anyone baffled and wondering what a Flab-e-loss is, it’s a poor man’s power plate, you use it for ten minutes and it violently vibrates your fat in the most unattractive way possible. The sensation in my legs at one point can only be described as like being electrocuted, without the horrible twitchy heart racing sensation (owning a horse, I’ve accidentally touched my fair share of electric fences.) To be honest, I’m dubious it even works. I was nervous about giving it a go, but I have nothing to lose. My uncertainly comes from the fact that I’m not really sure ten minutes of your thighs bouncing together involuntarily can help tone them up, the woman on before me who claims to have been using them regularly for months certainly didn’t seem to be reaping many benefits (she was far from toned) yet swore she had lost inches from her waist. I very much doubt I’ll keep it up, I probably toned up more from the run to the shop and back than the ten minutes I spent realising I have a lot more body fat than I previously thought as even my back began to wobble.

So that was today’s fun experiment. Again, I’m sorry for the lengthy absence, but I’ve spoken before about how sometimes you have to prioritise, and this week I have prioritised work as, well it’s my work and I need money and spending time socialising, because generally, if I can’t fit something in, it tends to be my friends, which isn’t really fair on them. I’m taking a little bit of time for myself right now by writing this and intend to post it then sit with my kindle.

And also a huge well done to Team GB for getting team silver in the Equestrian! I was so anxious watching it in the best possible way! Great result from a great team. 

Go GB!

Late night post explaining the last one

I am hopeless with technology and unless it is Facebook, Twitter, my iPhone or a word processor, to be honest, its trial and error. My friend recently set up a beauty blog and it is going really well really quickly, so I allowed her to take control for a while and sign me up to a blog hopper thing, detailed below, so hopefully, I can start to reach a winder audience.

I'm also attempting to work on one of my creative writing chapters and failing because it's 12.31am and I'm very tired! However I'm trying to remember that life does not stop at 11pm and that I can probably churn out some half decent writing. This entry being the exception.

To be honest, I just felt that I needed to update after the BBlogger post, because it seems so out of character with the rest of the blog, particularly because it was my friend who wrote the comments and picked a couple of the blogs I'm now following. If that is you, don't worry, I have since read through what she has written and while it is not in my style, it is sincere and I love reading other people's blogs, so keep up the good work guys! Apologies to anyone who noticed the temporary hijack of the positive fear!

Oh and new followers and viewers, follow on Twitter: @ThePositiveFear

Bbloggers Unite

Wednesday 25th July 2012


Quick post encouraged by a fellow blogger friend who has signed me up for this:

http://www.bbloggersunite.com/

Hoping to get a few followers and hopefully more people reading and enjoying!

There are a few simple rules to follow, but it's really easy to understand. Normal blogging will resume with the next post, probably coming at the weekend.

Learning to take my own advice

So a busy couple of days and lots more stuff going on, but focusing on the positive, The Dark Knight Rises has to be the best film I’ve seen all year. I went to see it with Marc when it came out last Friday and we were so speechless that we walked from the cinema and drove from the car park without uttering much more than ‘what did you think?’ We took a moment to gather our thoughts then geeked out all the way home.

Due to an unfortunate series of events, I ended up having to bail on plans with Marc at last minute the other day, a lot was going on and I was already upset, but I managed to convince myself that he was annoyed and not talking to me and several texts and unreturned phone calls later, convinced myself we were in trouble. After talking to one of my friends, I realised just how common this is. Why do we over react like this? While I know he would have to be a total arse to throw four years of a happy relationship away because of one night of cancelled plans and that if he was upset, he would calm down, my inner psychopath was working herself into a frenzy, alternating between being angry at him for being such an arse (even though technically now I think about it, he hadn’t done anything) and feeling abandoned and upset and desperately trying to engage him in conversation by sending messages to both his phone and iPad.

I asked him about it yesterday, to which he looked confused and said ‘there wasn’t anything wrong. You needed to stay home and I’d just finished a twelve hour shift, was in a horrible mood and didn’t want to see or speak to anyone really and felt like that all weekend. It wasn’t you and I was asleep for a lot of your texts.’

So I had worked myself up over nothing again. While this does prove my theory that men also have a time of month where they hate life and want to eat everything and sulk, it also makes me feel like a total drip. What ever happened to women being strong and independent? If it was one of my friends behaving how I was I would have told them to ‘man up and get on with your life, it doesn’t stop for him.’ But when it comes down to it, I care just a little bit too much, and am partial to a bit of self-blame, whether the conflict is with Marc, my family or my friends. So I need to change this. I need to start viewing the situation as though I were an outsider and take my own advice, even if it is uncharacteristic and therefore scary. I need to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. In this case, I should have told myself to ‘calm down, it might not be anything you’ve done, and if it is, he’ll calm down eventually.’

Currently, I’m trying to put myself forward for a year 7 orienteering day at the uni on Monday. It’s a paid position, which is always a bonus as yet again, I am overdrawn and car tax is looming, but I have no idea what I’m meant to be to be doing. I’ve not once worked one of these events and felt like a bit of an idiot emailing to ask what is expected of me. In fact, I almost pulled out because I didn’t want to look inexperienced and stupid next to the workers that have done it all the time. But I realised I’ve looked worse. I’ve just spent 6 weeks running a workshop and before that, did a starter activity with a class whose full time teacher was watching every minute of it. I’ve done scarier things, all experience is good experience and it’s only one day. Plus it helps towards my car tax, so I’d be stupid to turn it down.

As for the rest of the day, I shall be making the most of my day off by reading and maybe seeing one of my friends for a bit, which hopefully won’t cost me money, because we all know I have very little will power where food or fun is concerned. 

Thinking about the future

So the other day we were observed at placement. Predictably, it was one of the more difficult sessions we have done, but I also think it made us try harder and we got positive feedback and two new potential references as a result.

I often have second thoughts about what direction I’m going to go in with my career, but I think my main issue is that I’m scared to commit to something in case it makes me unhappy, however, it’s never too late to change your mind and this is something I need to remember.

All experience is good experience. The bad experiences make you stronger and the good ones open doors and let you see where your strengths lie. Your job does not define you, sure, it makes up a big part of your life, but it does not define who you are, nor does it determine who you will be or what you will do in future.

One quite personal example of this is my Dad. He has worked for the same company for 16 years and now due to a series of events and a long time thinking about it, he feels it’s time to move on. He wants to pursue his passion and ambition of running a charter fishing business full time, he’s done it at weekends with great success, but now he gets the chance to really make a go of it. I know the economy is terrible and he’s 52, which some may consider a bit old for a change of job, but I think it’s never too late to do what makes you happy, and he has plenty of qualifications to fall back on and had faith that he won’t end up out of work for long, if at all.

It’s so easy to think that whatever you do after school or university will define you forever and ever, but it’s never forever and ever, it’s only the beginning of a life time of decisions and admittedly, not all of them will be right or ideal, but it’s the experience that counts, and even a bad experience is more life affirming and character building than no experience at all. Let your hobbies and interests and the friends you make and people you love define you, don’t worry so much about the job! We all need money and we all need to work and may not always enjoy it, but you can never lose sight of what’s important, which is your happiness. If you’re stuck in a job that makes you unhappy, view your situation as temporary, you won’t always work there, you can still be anything you want to be and it’s never too late.

So what am I going to do? Well, I have a year to decide and nothing to stop me taking any opportunity that comes my way. I’m only 21 and have a life time of stupid, badly thought out decisions ahead of me, and to be honest, I can’t wait to see what’s next. 

Moving on from yesterday

Tomorrow I go to placement, and then am visiting Marc until Thursday afternoon, so won’t get chance to write tomorrow or Wednesday. I don’t want to leave on a bad note after last night.

I don’t like to leave anything badly, it’s something I can always remember my sister telling me when she used to instruct and help my horse riding. It’s a bit different with horse riding, because say your horse keeps refusing a jump and you quit, you won’t push yourself to do it next time, and the horse will know it can get away with it. So I would never end on a bad note, and that’s something I have since applied to everything I do. I don’t want to leave my blog entry, especially for new readers (welcome by the way! I see my stats have increased again) because I don’t want them to think this blog is just for ranting and moaning about how unfair life is.

So although yesterday’s online rant was beneficial, today I have moved on and forced myself back into some kind of routine, even if I did wake up ridiculously late. It would have been so easy to let my foul mood continue and to just sit and brood, but I got up, showered and dressed, then went to town to buy a birthday present for my mam and some clear nail varnish. The rest of the day just fell into place. After seeing Alley (the wonderful blogger of Smiling,moving,living,loving and ten year strong friend) at work selling birthday cards, I thought I’d see what she was up to when she finished and we ended up going for a late lunch and a needlessly long drive to get there. I then printed off some worksheets for tomorrow, spent an hour having a drink with my parents at the pub. I thought that would be weird now that I work there, but surprisingly not. After that, I went to my sister’s house for our new Monday night tradition of watching Top Model and The Inbetweeners and ordering take away.

I also bought a new top from River Island, because it was beautiful and only £10 and I thought ‘why not?’ The answer to that should always be ‘because you have no money, Rachel. You are on minimum wage and the taxman currently owes you £50 and your car tax is due in August.’ I’m actually hoping that my tax rebate will pay for my car tax.

So I’m back to my usual self. Keeping busy and living beyond my means. In all the recent change, I have perhaps lost track of my long term aims, so am actually looking forward to going to placement as it is my last day at that school and giving it my all. The man from uni who has helped organise it all is coming along too, so I hope it goes well so he can put me forward for other opportunities in September. It’s been a great experience and I’ve got to work with some really ambitious kids, I hope they’ve been inspired by what we’ve had to say, or at least that they remember it in future when they think about applying for further education.

I’ve often said that my current situation is not ideal, and it’s often infuriating, but this may be the only year of my life where I have the independence of an adult without all of the responsibilities that come with it, and without education. I don’t earn a great deal, but I earn enough to get by if I stop buying clothes, and I get to spend time with my family, friends and Marc, which makes me happy and I can focus on the things I enjoy. I have it good really, and am surrounded by many more helpful and supportive people who I love than I am negative people, so really, yesterday’s rant was a bit unnecessary. Things have a way of righting themselves, and if they don’t, we are adaptable!

So tomorrow I get back into the swing of things and as for the rest of my night, I’m finally going to start reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Nothing like jumping on the bandwagon late!

Dealing with anger

I was going to write a lovely little entry about how even when things are bad and you relapse back into negative thinking and unhappiness, the little things can make it all better again. And they can and most certainly do make a monumental difference.  For example, I felt really down yesterday, and it was little acts of kindness that cheered me up. A birthday party at work cut a slice of cake for all of the staff that was shaped like a boob, they tipped generously and then I got off an hour early.

Thanks to a few generous tips last night, I didn’t really lose any pay from finishing early, and ended up with a slice of the boob cake. Then I had a spontaneous visit to Marc’s, who remembered me mentioning that my mam had played two songs from the Top Gun soundtrack that morning and now I really wanted to watch it. (Thanks to Top Gun, I have a thing for leather jackets, aviators and general 80’s fashion.) So he found it on Netflix, ready for when I got there. These little things most definitely made my day, just like a long walk with my sister and a giant can of Red Bull cheered up today.

However as is the case with this week, what happens when you are not the cause of your unhappiness? What happens when bad things happen that are out of your control? Or when people act like a special kind of arsehole and that is the root of your unhappiness? As opposed to negative thinking or being inactive/unproductive/stuck in a rut as I’ve written about before.

I can’t give too many details, mainly because a) I don’t know who reads my blog and b) there is all kinds of trouble I could bring upon myself by naming, shaming and blaming, so I will refrain from divulging the details, even though I bet most people are dying to know. But this isn’t about me; it’s about encouraging others through my own struggles. As well as to some extent, entertaining them. I hope.

Let’s just say people have hacked me off and things are going on that I can in no way, shape or form control. I’ve spent a couple of days feeling sad and helpless, unmotivated and not doing anything about it, however as I was driving home from work, (driving and in the bath are where most of my best subconscious thoughts occur) something in me just clicked and suddenly, I wasn’t sad, I was angry.

Firstly, when anger strikes and you can’t address the cause directly, or in no way that will change the situation without causing more trouble or getting arrested, sacked or hated depending on the context, you need an outlet. The air in my car was blue with curses and swear words, mainly favouring the f’s, b’s and maybe even a whispered c. That wasn’t really enough, but I suddenly wanted to blog and I wanted to write. I wanted to do something, anything, for myself. While anger is a negative emotion, it is a much more powerful one than sadness. It’s proactive and a motivator and shouldn’t be entirely shunned. Anger says you’re not happy, but you will act upon it, you will do something about it, whether it is a silent act of rebellion like writing, or channelling your rage into something like sport or running or something pointless that will make you feel better anyway like punching a pillow or singing angrily to Papa Roach in the car.

Finding an outlet for the anger is satisfying, and once you’ve acted upon it, you can move on and get on with normal life, as opposed to harbouring suppressed resentment. The more Christian or maybe just more moral or mature of us would say ‘forgive’ those who have angered you. But right now, I don’t really want to forgive or forget, so I will just take solace in the fact that I can’t change anything, I can’t stop people being special breeds of arseholes, but at least I myself, am not an arsehole. And writing this has helped me calm down, and given me a much better blog entry than it would have been. 

Apologies for excessive use of the word arse. It was the least offensive swear word I could think of and non swear words just didn't cut it.